Allow yourself to heal.

​Affirmation: "I allow myself to heal."

For the last month, I've been healing from a neck strain. I'm not 100% sure where it started, but I learned the hard way that my pillow and bed were making it worse. For weeks, I couldn't sit down because the pressure in my head was so intense. I would either have to lay down or stand. I even planned a whole date night around activities that could be done standing up. I kept moving forward, but every now and then, I would just break down and cry OR I started having weird symptoms that had nothing to do with what was actually happening. 

The word that kept coming to me during that time was: allow.

It was very uncomfortable, but I kept it pushing. I worked around the injury and tried not to let it get me down. Tuesday morning it all came to a head when I woke up feeling panicked. The weird symptoms came back again. Where in the world was this coming from? After working through it: quiet time with God, meditation, exercise, and just some general self-care I realized that I'd been having mild panic attacks sporadically for the last two weeks. That's what those weird symptoms were.

I googled "allow" and found the following definitions (Oxford Languages):
1. give (someone) permission to do something.
2. give the necessary time or opportunity for.

Wow. 

I scheduled an impromptu session with my therapist for the next day.

What I've learned is that I was feeling like I should be over this by now. I should be stronger. I was tired of feeling weak. I wasn't allowing myself to heal. I was so focused on "getting on with it" that I kept ignoring my body and soul. They wanted to take it slow and be nourished, but I just wanted to get back to normal. That was the source of the conflict.

Allow.

I let my body and soul win. For the last two days, I've been "allowing." I've taken the deadline off my healing process. If I feel like crying, I cry. If I feel like eating, I eat. If I feel like taking a nap, I sleep. Barring any work obligations, I'm just flowing with my body.

Does my neck feel 100% better? No. But it is better. I can sit down now. Little by little I'm making progress. I realize that it's going to take time. Have the panic attacks stopped? Yes. Because I've stopped pressuring myself. To me, that's a win. One day, I'll be stronger than ever, both emotionally and physically.

But for now: "I allow myself to heal."