Affirmation: "I express the fullest version of myself."
I had a dream the other night that made me have to side-eye myself.
So, in my dream, my manager pitched me for the role of Celie in The Color Purple. Now, if you've ever seen the film, that makes complete sense. If we're talking about a remake of the movie, it's a fantastic role. But... my manager didn't pitch me for the role of Celie in the film, she was pitching me for the musical. You would think I would have been excited about it, but that is NOT how it went down in my dream.
In the dream, I found myself in the middle of rehearsal, trying to figure out how in the world I got there. Out of nowhere, I overheard that I was replacing a PHENOMENAL singer, and everyone just went back about their business of rehearsing the show. So, I was magically dropped into this amazing opportunity but only felt confused.
Why would my manager pitch me for the role of Celie???? Don't get me wrong. I can sing. I'm decent. I would even call myself a singer. Okay, I'm a singer, but I'm a closeted singer. I don't tell folks that I can sing. There's a whole story behind it, but for now, we're just going to talk about this dream. As a singer, I could totally be in the ensemble, but Celie?!?! You can't hide playing Celie.
I sing, but the artist I was replacing in the dream SANGS. I mean it. She has all the runs, all the power, all the control. I've seen her take a role like Celie and make magic with it. One of her performances brought me to tears. Like, literal, changed-my-life tears. And they wanted me to replace her?!
So, in the dream, I spent the rest of the rehearsal trying to tame everyone's expectations. Over and over again I tried to tell everyone in the room not to expect much. I'd say, "Listen, I'm good, but I'm not HER." Then, I'd rub my head and try to figure out how to get out of the mess I was in. Meanwhile, there was a little voice in the back of my head saying, "You know, you can do this your way." I didn't pay that voice any mind. I just kept trying to shrink myself right out of the opportunity.
Then I woke up. My mind was blown.
That dream felt bizarre but completely familiar. I prayed and asked God if that's something that I do. The answer was a resounding YES.
First of all, in the dream, I never acknowledged what a complete honor the opportunity was. It didn't feel like an opportunity. It felt like I was being set up to fail. But the truth of the matter is that it was an opportunity. A beautiful opportunity. A beautiful, life-changing, amazing opportunity if I succeeded. I just didn't see it that way. It was too risky for my blood.
I've put myself in my safe little box. I am an actor. I can sing. I can dance. I can write. But I'm a beastly actor. I lean into it so hard that I hide all the others. It feels safe. Nevermind the fact that I love music. Nope. I only publicly do things that make me feel safe.
When I woke up and how my come to Jesus moment, I realized how I self-sabotage. When I feel challenged, I shrink myself. That's right. I hide behind someone else or disappear altogether. I try to make myself small until I feel like I'm safe from failure and ridicule. Then, when I'm building and working, I'm mad because of how small my life and opportunities feel. But the crazy part is that they're small because I made them that way! Again, mind blown. I had no idea.
In my dream, the way I should have played it was:
So, now that I've learned this crucial information about myself. It's GAME ON.
I'm going to work on the places that I feel deficient but forge ahead with big opportunities despite feeling scared.
"I express the fullest version of myself."