Affirmation: I keep my channel open.
So far, the greatest gift I've received this decade is learning how to keep my channel open to the Divine. The last year or so has been full of ups and downs, twists and turns. Not all of them have been bad, but I spent most of the year wrestling with the idea of letting go.
If you've followed my blog for any amount of time, you will see that it's a constant theme. That's because it's been such a constant conversation between me and God. When I got sick back in 2019, so much of it was about my stress levels and my ability to relax. God and I were in a constant state of tension over it because I wanted to figure out a solution immediately, and I wasn't getting what I wanted. He wanted me to just let go and trust. I wanted to control it and heal. Answers were coming, but I had a hard time seeing them or processing them because I was holding on way too tightly to the whole thing.
But here's the magic of last year... I also saw my family move through four months without work and come out with more than enough. I also received a whole business when I wasn't even checking for it, and my relationship continues to blossom. What did these three things have in common in my life? I was COMPLETELY unattached to their outcomes. It sounds crazy, but it's true. As obsessive as I can get about some things, there are other things I could completely care less about, and I am ALWAYS winning in those areas.
Let's take money for example. I stopped caring about money YEARS ago. I'm not kidding. I know that on some level we need it to survive, I guess. But something interesting happened to me when I launched out on my own ten-ish years ago. I started working for a company that paid me very little, like almost nothing. But I worked there because I felt like that's where I was supposed to be at the time. I reasoned that if God wanted me there, He would have to figure out a way to get me there and back (my car wasn't working at the time), and He would have to make sure my living expenses were covered. I completely let go. I budgeted the little money I did earn, took public transportation back and forth to work and rented a room. I left the rest up to Him. I figured, if I ended up on the street after doing what God wanted me to do, then He was the one that was going to look crazy, not me. I kid you not: I didn't miss a day of work. I always ate. Rent always got paid. And my pay check dates and due dates did not always line up. I had ZERO stress, even when circumstances changed on me. Fun fact: One time I was given just a few days to find another place to live, while I was pulling twelve hour shifts. I pivoted without complaint and got another place in record time.
I haven't "struggled" like that in a minute, but if I'm being honest, I wasn't struggling then. I wasn't holding on too tightly to that experience at all. The circumstance wasn't ideal. It lasted about two years, but I moved through it without strain. That season of my life taught me how to NEVER be without. Not worrying about it and doing what I believe I'm supposed to be doing has been the key to keeping that channel open. Even now, my husband and I both work in the entertainment industry. We're both freelancers. My friends with really stable jobs ask me how I'm okay with not knowing when either of us will work. I shrug and say, "God takes care of us." And He does each and every time.
Last year, I did the same thing with my career. Babay! Let me tell you... That's one area of my life I've been holding very tightly, and it just wasn't working. If I'm being honest, I don't think I even had a spiritual epiphany with that one. I just got tired of struggling with it. I let it go. I still auditioned, etc. But I let go of all outcomes and just flowed. The second I let go, ideas started pouring in. It was almost like, I was tuned into a radio station I didn't know existed and I just needed to write it all down before I forgot. It's crazy. It's not like I'm some mad scientist, sitting around and thinking up the next thing I'm going to do. It's the complete opposite. I can be taking a shower when a scene will just come to me or an idea. I literally have to try to hold the information just long enough to finish my shower and get to my computer. I whole company came out of me that way. Wow... This one is relatively new to me, so I'm still reeling from how ideas kind of overtake me. My job is to simply capture them and release them into the world. My work also feels deeply satisfying now, a feeling I haven't felt in my career in a long time. Okay, God. I see you.
My love life is the quintessential example of letting go. First of all, I met my husband when I wasn't even checking for somebody. Seriously, we laugh about it now. Neither of us was really actively looking. I'm pretty sure I was just figuring out that my crush at the time (another guy) wasn't the right move. The love of my life came when I wasn't looking. I wasn't forcing it. It's like he just dropped into my orbit. Our love is still that easy. We like each other. We laugh all the time. We talk about everything. We aren't perfect, but our love is a gift that makes my life richer. You would think I would be doing all I can to hold on tight to my good man. I'm not. lol. I can't tell you how little I'm trying to control our situation. I've literally told him to his face and some of his family members (haha) that he is always free to leave. I'm not holding him hostage. I'm in my relationship because I want to be. I only want him here if he wants to be here. The minute that it changes, he's free to go! I mean it. I'm not interested in being in something I have to control like that. For all that, I might as well be alone: less stress.
I say all this to say, that I realize each department of my life is like a channel. If I want to stay open to the good that's trying to get to me, I have to be open. That means, releasing expectations, being okay with not knowing, and moving when I feel compelled to move. Fear, worry, and control only get in the way and block the channel trying to get good to me. I'm not perfect, but I'm soooo happy to be in a space where I am finally keeping my health channel open. I look forward to sharing all the good that comes through it.